How a Hidden Track Uncovered a Hidden Truth
Every once in a while, a song comes along that doesn’t just play in the background — one you hum to without thinking — but instead it stops you in your tracks and makes you examine your life differently.
For me, this Lumineers track did exactly that. Today, a song hit. It hit me harder than ever before — but it was different this time. Soul level deep. Gut Punch. Got it. Message received.
I’m in an odd place in life right now. I actually know what I want. I know what I need. The question is… how to obtain it consistently. That’s the true question.
I’ve made the decision that I need to leave my job. I know it’s the healthiest decision I can make for myself. Nothing and no one are worth my health suffering. I’ve spent years tolerating crap to keep the peace so others could be happy. Funny thing is, when I finally couldn’t pretend any longer, the very people I carried through their shit were nowhere to be found when I needed help. That’s okay — I’m used to not having anyone but my kids. But now, I do have my guy.
I read this quote recently that hit me deep: “You can literally be fighting for your life and some people will only notice how you aren’t showing up for them in the way they want you to.” My heart hurt a little over how true that is, and the unfortunate truth of reality. Reality sucks, but here I am, trying to figure shit out… one day at a time.
The Lumineers have been one of my favorite bands for years. I’ve seen them several times live, and each show is always amazing. I’ve never really given much thought to their songs beyond a couple here and there — not since I started paying attention the way I do now. They have a hidden track called The Soundtrack Song.
Before this morning, the first part was always what hit me:
Loneliness, oh, won't you let me be?
Let me be and I will set you free.
Don't you think if it was up to me,
I would choose to be happy?
That line used to make me teary every single time. I didn’t realize how lonely I was until I understood that I have always felt alone. I’ve always known I was on my own. Sure, I’ve had help here and there, but I knew that if I didn’t handle something, no one else would. I never had a real partner, one I could share everything with — someone who wouldn’t add to the shit happening in my life. Too often, it was the opposite. Almost like game on, now’s the time to pounce. I’m talking mostly about my ex, the narcissist, but honestly all my relationships were the same on some level.
I had to be the strong one. I couldn’t show emotions, because if I did, the people around me would lose their minds and demand even more attention when I had nothing left to give. I could still find what little I had on reserve for my kids, but for anyone else? Nope. I’ve always known what loneliness feels like.
There’s nothing more painful than feeling absolute loneliness while surrounded by people.
The song didn’t stop there, and neither did what it stirred up in me. Another verse — one I’d never really paid attention to before — came out of nowhere and hit me even harder. It’s the part that made me stop and think about who I am now, and who I’m choosing to be.
I’ll tell you all about that in Part 2.
“Soundtrack Song” by The Lumineers
Curious minds want to know …. this song, have you heard it?
Author: Ellie Wilde / Grizzly Hippie Journal Series
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