The Shift

The Shift

I can’t explain it, but this Halloween feels different. Maybe it’s the old traditions whispering back, reminding me there’s still something sacred in the stories we were told to fear. This year feels like I am leaving the light on in case she stops by.

As the years have passed, I didn’t start looking deeper into our traditions until my kids began getting older and I was trying to do "holiday" things, wondering why do I try to keep these traditions? Is it something I should keep alive? I was just curious as to why. Why do we have these beliefs. I believe it was because my kids asked me why we did something a certain way and I didn’t know but it certainly sparked a curiosity. 

But I realized I never dug real deep into this subject. It's like I got my surface level answer I sought and left it there. I didn’t keep asking why? Well now it's all I do, with everything in my life. 

Why I am thinking about all this? My guy and his family were raised very religious, and they really dislike this holiday. We actually had a discussion about halloween not too long ago. I tried to explain but I got tangled in my words but I knew all of what I had found out would not be absorbed very well, I understand their beliefs, we don't have to agree. I used to feel and think about it the same way. 

I am a huge fan of this holiday, I love the idea of blending in to welcome the dead. I didn’t really start learning about this "veil" thing and how it goes real deep into cultures and ancient time periods. There must be something to this. Why do so many from so long ago all say the same thing about the same night? 

This is a rabbit hole I want to go down but I don’t know how I feel about going down such a villainous rabbit hole. Maybe there are monsters, evil spirits maybe that is why this holiday intrigues me even more? I just know some rabbit holes once you know, you can’t un-know.

And well this all began last night with my guys dad asking the family to go to the movies on Halloween night, to see a random movie (or at least random to me, it’s one I haven’t heard of). It is a tradition his parents had on Halloween instead of participating in the holiday. My guy seemed pretty excited to go. To be honest, I wasn’t.

Any other night I would have said sure let’s go! Maybe not the following night too. But this time, I showed hesitation enough to pause, to make my guy pause. I couldn’t articulate why I didn’t really feel like going, other than it was Halloween. It was just something I felt at that moment. I really didn’t understand why myself. 

Yea, why did I hesitate? Halloween is one of my favorite, why not go out? I have always had a bunch of kids and lived in neighborhoods that had tons of kids. So dressing up, and decking out the house was something I loved. This year, I haven’t even pulled my decorations out. I still have time left that I can still put stuff out, but normally I cant wait until October 1.  I can get a full month out of the decorations. lol

I had thought about dressing up, but why? I don’t go anywhere, no plans to do anything. Last year I think we got 3 knocks at the door and…. 2 were from the same kid. The first time my howling Skelton dog scared him, and the second time he was brave. We let him pet the dog, and see it was all ok. We also turned the sound off for him, that is when he calmed down. 

But this sat with me all night. Why didn’t I want to go to the movies with my guy and his family? I think it came down to is, I wont really be able to enjoy the holiday like I would like to.

And this time of my life is about doing what would make me happy and what I enjoy. And I feel it feels wrong to want to rather stay home to enjoy the holiday getting ready to welcome my passed family than be with people who don’t enjoy it. I wont experience it how I would have wanted to. 

I truly enjoy his family, they are great! But I am finally doing what feels right for me. And Yea, Halloween may have some negative connotations to it. And I am not saying they are wrong in their beliefs. However, I wish to embrace it and celebrate like our older relatives did with their traditions and customs, I would love for my grandma to stop by.

There has to be something in the old ways. Their ways have lasted for so long. Has to be something there?